the waves were breaking stuff up
washed out the sidewalk and rocks and puddles were scattered around
full of hounds with dirty mud socks chasing down balls
spitting white spraying the joggers and old ladies with toques and the wrong shoes for today

I'm worried about money
and found the perfect solution!
go hiking in the snow-sparkling bright blue gorgeous aching evergreen caveland
up in the sun pools act like a fool and drool like a dog in an ice hole chewing on a stick from gods handmade smiles wolf spackled eyeballs snowy sleeping bags for each hair on her face
and race down the hills with a stupid smile on your face
he asked as i whizzed by like lightning flies
how are you?
HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
i forgot to ask him how he was
words were dumb anyways
we were eating up the sparkling icicle tipped trees on my knees sucking at the tips crying thank you thank you

were was I?

he said he brought his wife to the ocean while she was undergoing chemo
to get their energy back
and i love that
to get their energy back i see the smacking waves sky bright smiles aching yes happy day
that's a good idea

i was eavesdropping and joined the conversation that had turned to dogs

but what i really loved was when he said she had passed away into The Big Surprise

sunrise comes out of my heart when i hear that

people are crazy
or this time of year can bring out the worst in folks
and the best
or that is the goal i guess

parking lots clogged and angry
line ups and nuts and smiles not in sight
gotta get them stuff and get home tonight
for to do a bunch of stuff for tomorrow and the next day

a lady in the line up said she wasn't gonna fight with no one
and that she wouldn't come out of her house after she gets home

my windows were steamed up in the car
and i walked in the rain with some dogs

i too am trying to get it all done it time
in time for the time when we do the thing and then
the next day
it is done

i'm not trying to be cynical
the underlying message and vibe i feel is goodness, generosity and expression of love
but i feel squished and rushed and confused too

white rocks
red socks
the sparkling lights on the tree

what a strange world sometimes

i saw a crow today
standing on a rock
with the wettest forehead
it was quite funny.

have you ever seen a crow with its feathers held down with water
sitting on a rock unafraid of you?

red

i grew up watching dumb movies
and Meatballs was one of my favorites
supposedly he's a cheat in real life
but i love Bill Murray always

grassy parking spot with bald tire tracks
pure whipped butter too much bacon
naps and crackles of the fire
bonfire so big
a wheelbarrow fulls worth of flames
fork in a sausage dropped in the ash
naked sauna madness
watching him dance sideways on the pebbles under the full moon
talking and laughing
stars sticks white rocks and endless layers of white waves coming towards us
a shell for the soap
i saw you play the thumb piano into the dogs ear last night
the door opens and closes letting in the cold outside
and now we are home
lights on shining down on the street our glowing home
our home
i love our home and all the stuff inside us

excited with fries

lavender short bread
afternoon naps
karaoke duet with a new friend
our favorite cabin in guemes
christmas cards in the mail box
baths with a candle and cedar oil
onions and cheese whiz
lavender short bread

death and love

there is a little photograph framed in tinfoil
it's Clarence Amos gardener Jr
he lived with me on oak st until i kicked him out for masturbating in the living room
or something like that
and threw a stack of Cd's at his head
luckily it missed cause i love the guy

i met him at the cafe Montreal
i was a waitress and he played guitar
didn't really have a home but loved the blues

he melted his buttons in my oven once
trying to dry his pants
after a long walk about during the winter
he walked a lot and loudly greeted pretty much anyone who passed by

Suzanne killed herself last Tuesday
after years of mental illness
struggling to beat the dragons and demons

I'm sure it was her that made the door drift open at the top of the service

i asked:
are you here Suzanne
and i hear yes
of course she was

eggnog logs dogs crackers and Hawaiian shirts
cat licking milk from a heart shaped plate
hot dates sleeping on the dryer
crying and crying nodding head
Irish accent
the lesbian minister
i liked her style

who brought open her palms just like in the pictures
summoning rays of intelligence divinity solar beams of magic
tragic loss

beards hand washing
correspondence with a girl in France
the last dance Hawaiian loveliness a kiss
last dance headbangers no friends no matter
fabric and fake flowers
burning my foot on the iron and soaking it in the shower
or the sink
and the lost babies

it's Christmastime
sweaters fire logs dogs on the bed
toques and sleds
and curled up in bed
with ice bags

oranges wrapped in paper

i miss her laugh