sunshine meatballs please!

i've been fucking depressed today!

and on and off for a long time too.

the rain has been on full diagonal blast today

my thoughts are making me miserable with such subtlety
the sneaky undercurrent
pulling me under

the pumpkins looked happy
or at least jons did

sometimes it feels so false to be thankful
when the dark cloud is fluffing all over your head

but i had a beautiful weekend
played with clay
and laughed with my lover
went for a glorious hike
inhaled the colorful leaves
the mushroom characters

and the lake was so beautiful

this tea is soothing

i have so much abundance in my life
thank you thank you

and to Lea for motivating me with her sweet words

the story of my life

i met a woman
she lives in the bottom cottage yellow and blue
she read my energy today
she said it was bumpy
and then smooth
she said that i want to smooth it out
wipe away all the ups and downs

she said that i should meditate
breathe and meditate through my heart
to help me get unstuck from my
unresolved experiences

i told her the butterfly story:
i was 5 years old and had just started to learn ballet

the year end performance was developing
and my mother was given instructions on what to make for a costume

i went with her to the fabric story to buy the pink and purple taffeta
the silver sequins

i was fascinated with sequins
and had never seen them before
i was delighted that
these sparkling creatures where for me

i watched my mother sit at the sewing machine and work on the butterfly wings
until it was finished
slipped the elastic rings around my wrists
and flew down the hallway

i practiced my dance piece over and over
up and down our long hall
in the beautiful house my parents built

it is the night of the performance
my mother has invited my aunt uncle grandmother
my papa
and she and I are in the chaos of the greenroom

all ages of ballerinas with their parents
scramble around
preparing for the show

the time is nearing for my class to perform
and we go to get my costume ready

the wings are nowhere to be found

we searched within the madness of the room
an overflow of dancers and moms
the wings are nowhere to be found

my mother is freaking out
she puts me into the car
and races us back to the house to find it
it is not there

when we return
the dance had already been run


later we find the costume hanging on the back of a door that has been propped open

sungoggles

when i am doing this: absorbing sunshine

i am the happiest

and when i am eating

and making love

and laughing with friends

i love being an aunt

it is a gift being around children

shoots and ladders played backwards
naked giggling silliness

jumping on the bed

elsie and kashton show me how to let go again

when i used to touch cats

Dear Mother,

all is swell over here.

i am getting to know a few people in the Bay
One gal named Jill
who is so lovely
I think we will be good friends
we went for a 3 hour hike yesterday
to the top of Cypress Mountain

very very crazy beautiful
the colors the view
the air

still finishing off all the leftovers
and made lemony turkey soup with herbs yesterday
not jons favorite
but i like it!

lea brought the slides
she had scanned them
and brought me copies of the images on discs

jon and i took a look at them after they left
and it was a real treat

some of them brought tears to my eyes
like the one that had leas 1st bday cake on a table
in a very sparse kitchen with some balloons
and 6 dishes of candy all laid out

you must of put it all together and stood back to take a picture of it

you look so beautiful in the photos
your skin is so beautiful
and you look happy
and devilish at times.

when i looked at the slides i saw that you did so much to make life fun and happy for us....

some of my other faves where these shots of me alone out front of Derrek st. pre-landscaping
i am wearing a light blue turtle neck and slacks
and i am walking around sniffing a bunch of yellow flowers
it looks like i am unaware of anyone else's presence.

anyhoodles,
i know you already have forty zillion earrings....
but i thought those ones were really pretty


yours,
audra
xo

when i climb around in trees i am happy

i was sitting on the ledge above the ocean the other evening and looked out across the water
a massive school of dolphin were passing by in one endless undulating line.

divingdivingdivingdivingdivingdivingdivingdivingdivingdivingdivingdivingdivingdivingdivingdiving

i am grateful that i could see an old pattern come to eat me up this week
flowing in a rage towards me
you know those old patterns?

today i choose to step out of it's way.

my car died the other day

i was heading down the windy roads of west vancouver
towards my favorite beach spot
i went to steer the car around a lovely curve
but the car kept going straight
and a bonus!
the brakes weren't really working either.

with a little force
i was able to crank the wheel to the bend in the road
and started coasting down the hill.

i was like: hmmmmm this is interesting
like in cartoons
no brakes.

with luck
i managed to pull the car into someones driveway
blocking it
and stopped

oddly enough
the owner of the house pulled up a minute later
wanting to pull in

i apologized and tried to explain
she did not offer to help me
but looking put out
parked on the side of the road
and walked past me

i took the dog out of the car
and crossed the street into a sunbeam
and waited for the tow truck

an older woman was there gathering her garbage cans
i told her about my car

she stopped and looked into my eyes
she invited me into her home
she gave my dog a ball
showed me her garden
and shared some of her story with me

her husband had recently passed
after a long marriage

she said she was getting to know herself as an individual
for the first time

she was in her 80's, so beautiful.

Thank you Anne.

barking sphinx

today started off alright enough
swandered around with a couple dogs
thinking stupid thoughts
and feeling sorry for myself

someone had painted some logs
green crocodiles with stupid teeth
why? i have no idea.
i wasn't impressed.

but when i asked for water
a minute later
2 dishes appeared.

ruth called right after the mix up with my printer
i wasn't entirely happy
and she keeps doing so much for me
i said
"Ruth, thank you for all of your hard work..."
her reply
"It isn't hard work, it is a joy working with you."

I keep crying today.

guess it's the weather.