rest

Deep Cove

I remember a walk my father took my sister and I on when I was little. We followed a forest path that started at the end of our street in through the trees and fern until we came to a fence.
Here he climbed over into the private orchard and picked apples for the three of us.

i remember looking into the apple after my first bite
white meat with pink veins
the most beautiful thing in the whole world

my spine

El-Oh-Vee-Ee-Oh

Last night I went to the local pub to take a mini adventure away from
our little cottage on the hill

Here, I was surrounded by glowing Olympic TV screens
Tourists dressed in red sweaters and scarves
And the local dogged out crowd
Drunk, stupid and lovely

One dude in particular was trying his best to alienate people
Barking sexist, hateful comments while slurping his drink

i kinda felt at home, having come across many like him in the restaurants and bars I’ve worked in for most of my life.

A friend of his apologized to me for his behavior
Told me to ignore him and not take it to heart

I wasn’t
In fact I looked straight into his eyes and smiled

He tried to threaten me
Told me he could straighten me out
Fix me
I told him I didn’t think that I was broken (which is a lie) and laughed

Holding and flexed
Ready for some abuse
I waited
He had nothing for me, surprised to see someone looking in on him

When we were left alone on the deck
I asked him
“What do you love about life?”
I enjoy asking people these kinds of questions
Especially at seedy pubs
Where I’m usually scribbling into my journal
Making plans and promises for tomorrow
And they are drunk and playing pull tab bingo

And so this dude looks at me
There is a pause
And he says
“Fingertips”
He said
“I love that I can look at my fingertips and in an instant they are gone and then they are there and then they are gone”
And
“That is what I love the most; that I can be aware that I am.
I love my fingertips. They are everything.”

And he started to laugh and smile and told me I had a nice ass.

channels of bella

two stray doggies

we give them names

the girl: Foufa
the boy: Maybelline

we walk for four hours

ancient clam shells
hinged butterfly torso
we see light pass through

and dog love

wind blue sky clay walls and caves

an eagle appears 2 hours after the request

thank you
wood stove
Guemes Island sauna
ridiculous ocean view so beautiful you need to do something about it

thank you for the cold salt water
we dunked over and over
baptized
with a sliver of a moon
twinkle twinkle little star
shooting stars and constellations

stinging eyes
good beer
shining skin
long thighs
friendly Americans
a promising tomorrow

meaningful/less conversations in front of the crackling fire
with wine
and nothingness
crackers cheese
avocado
abundance
the noise from the fridge
and a man is snoring on the couch

i love you

pacifica

seeing the gifts in the most unbearably painful circumstances

prayer and lox

food
water
bed
opportunity
sunshine on my face
Astoria Cafe and the boy who poured the coffee with the sweet eyes

y'allcomeonin!

white glowing seascape wave after wave after wave after wave

the gift in the cracks

my tooth is broken
i am in america
my dentist is 10 days away

i am more careful when i eat, what i eat, how i move
the broken tooth reminds me to appreciate what is working-
essentially everything else.

thank you

heavy curtains hold out the twilight zone

really good sex.
fluffy pancakes
maps
portland oregon(we finally made it here)

we see a husband/wife band tonight
sampling ukulele, thumb harp, bells,
red shoes and lace
(unnnecesary shyness, modesty)

red shoes lace
grabbing onto her ponytail for support

four brass slowly climb the steps onto the stage
heads lowered
meditating sounds into the song

and the final piece
she rises and moves to the very front of the stage
(so glad to have just opened my eyes)
her mouth is moving, a sermon
the instruments slow
and stop
she is left speaking the last few words to the crowd

blessing us

sleeping in

oh, i forgot

try taking a walk to a place where you might find a shell
a seashell
go find a shell and clean it if it is dirty
and bring it up to your face to your eyes
and really look inside of it
notice the difference between the outer surface
and the inner
point it up to the sun and see if light will pass through it
go slow
be curious
keep breathing

go beyond the word "shell"
the limited nature of a label

i guarantee
you will be suprised
at the world you discover

(you can even whisper a secret into it
before tossing it into the water.)

blue skies and the last week of a dog

today i worked with a gal who told me a bit about her challenging upbringing
and we chatted about the efforts that go into unravelling
habits we acquire along our life paths

earlier today
i found myself feeling low
down
depressed I guess
and then i thought about this blog
and how i am either dancing in the sprinkler of love, abundance and gratitude
or looking upwards from inside a dark hole
and how this daily challenge i have created for myself
seems like a lie on these darker days

how i have to push the heavy ball
up the hill
to tap some words onto this screen

and feel so very far away from feeling thanks for the goodness of life
(eagles danced above my head, purple and orange flowers, pizza with pineapples)

i try to force myself
LOOK I am walking I am healthy I am so grateful!
but I don't really mean it feel it

but today when I spoke with my coworker
and went inside of her heart, her world
the hole i was in disappeared

I give great thanks to people, warm beautiful bodies experiences and minds
and sharing
and that invisible switch that is sometimes flicked when you least expect it

confession

skin that heals itself
hide-a-beds
watching elsie pour her own milk
edamame
friendship
the moon
nutmeg
wooden matches
crows flying past the skylight
eating a jar of pickles in one sitting
staring at people on the bus
french braids
red with pink
being hugged and feeling that the person will not let go of you until you do first




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzy5P5uyVbQ

click to make big for read

thank you, audra
xo

Wendy

dear friend from Deep Cove
I left you behind
after the divorce

your dog bit my face
still have the scar

i remember playing in the ditches
the oak trees, glowing grasses and snakes,
reluctantly letting Anne-Marie join us at recess
at the request of the teacher


I love you Wendy Smith
silly glowing pixie with a storytelling face

i am wearing your dress in the school photo
your mother was cool

where are you now?

it has been 30 years
30 years
30 years

i just remember being so stupidly close to you
i would give anything to feel that innocent today

we were one little girl together

and you loved me

thank you for that

this day

so too we are

the missionary on the pier thanked me today
she said she had asked God last night for guidance regarding work, having recently lost her job doing reception at a hair salon.
(she did have unusually nice hair)

during our conversation I mentioned that i had worked with dogs last year
hiking them through the old growth forest in North Vancouver.
she saw this as a sign
this morning she heard God say:
go to Horseshoe Bay
and when she arrived I was there to deliver his message
BE A DOG WALKER!

Well, my work is done here thank you very much.



early this morning i was lying in bed unable to get back to sleep
suddenly i noticed the air around my face go cold
i wondered if a ghost was hovering above me trying to get a message to me or something wonderful like that
i thought i could see the shadows on the wall shift
the air grew colder
i was surprisingly calm (we are supposed to be afraid non?)
i must have fallen back to sleep soon after
and was woken by the dogs bark,
there was a raccoon in the cedar out front





when i went for my walk today
everything seemed so clear to me
i was noticing small things
tiny stones
the lighthouse shaped belly flap of a male crab
lying on the ramp
the tip of a tiny white feather...hey, this was stuck in a bird body
a bright orange sunflower fish
how ridiculous how unreal
i leaned over the railing and absorbed the clear water and all its treasure into my eyes completely forgetting the dog
when i did turn around Bella was quietly waiting behind me
how long have i been standing here?

i am blessed i am blessed i am blessed