Ed Pien
One of my favorite, most generous painting/drawing instructors.
Thank you for sharing.

today I awoke with peace in my heart.

I love my dear friend Michelle
who called from Fernie B.C. last night
and shared her doggy love stories with me
and her experiences
with the dew refracting light on the branches,
going up close to witness
the intimate places of a tree

she said she is inspired by me
what a nice thing to hear.

one last free parking spot waiting for me...

saphrophone

dear friends family doggies leaves ocean barnacles arbutus patterns on the water
oil paint cheese prawns
free food from caterers
new friends vacuum salt poets
divorce friendliness
understanding frogs socks
needles and thread shells
one bird singing in a tree surrounded by high fencing
beer and waves
horizon speakers sharing Windex
drawers mothers leggings
hi jab police officers
spoons
aisles
surprise reunions

walking and walking and walking

i am grateful for life
it is a beautiful thing

>

yesterday i wrote about an interview i heard on the radio
a philosophy professor was talking about "The Stoics"
and their meditation practice
where you imagine the person you cherish the most
being gone.

i tried it this morning
and found myself weeping in front of the computer
in this cafe.

i found myself alone in a home with the very heart of it gone

i saw all of the things i complain about
transform into humorous cherished flowers of my beloved

memories came flashing
his softness his gentleness
slowly swaying together to jazz in the kitchen
his body in the washroom
so pink so present
his care his creativity

this exercise helped me appreciate my lover and reminded me of how very crazy much i love him
and brought me back to what a gift he is.

i said i would write everyday
about appreciation
kneel down to lifes abundance
and dance in thanks
for all that is always there

yesterday i watched a terrible montage, starving Africans.
skin and bones
aliens not human
i have seen these images ever since i was a child
the shows on tv trying to gather donations
convince people to help

i would flip the channel
watch cartoons game shows instead.

if i had to beg for food everyday i don't think i would notice
how i sometimes have crappy communication in my relationship

i am blessed.
food water
quiet friends ants guitar music
chair
dresser full to the brim with clothes i do not wear

anyways

i heard a program on CBC the other night
a professor was expanding on his book about "The Stoics"
an early 3rd century BC philosophy



and he was talking about the Stoics "Meditation" practice
where, say, you take the person who means the most to you in the whole world
and you imagine them dead or gone
and go to that place emotionally
and when you come out of this practice
I am guessing you will meet GRATITUDE

what an odd practice....but somehow I can see how it would work.

(Though from all I have learned about the power of our thoughts, I'm not sure if it is terribly effective....but worth a try nonetheless)

when I see terrible images of severely starved people
suffering human beings
it reminds me that i am so blessed.

still, it doesnt sit right with me.

I am blessed.
thank you good life

thank you
stream trickling under the house
kisses
the low hum of the ferries that wakes me up at 5am
so that i can make love instead of sleep
beets thyme oven struggle

thank you for being in my life

coffee
inadequacy
the breeze that blows the moss
gravity

kayaking and the sun
seals that come to visit
bellas loud yawning

thank you chances
hot water and ice

if you sit still and wait it'll come to you

the blanket of bird voice
my ring
old gumboots
distribution
answers to questions asked

i don't want to be afraid of being alone
being left
speaking my mind

mind will continue to run on and on
with my believing in it
or not

lions bay
discovery
quiet space filled up with the sound of a running saw
someone is cutting something

yesterday i saw a man trying to blow wet cherry blossom petals
off his driveway with an electric leaf blower
perfect pink-white circles
quietly lay on the cement
i want to suggest he use a broom
something quiet
or
just let them be
go for a walk instead
like me

somehow i think what i believe is better than what he believes
don't we all?
we think our way is the best way

but we can let go of our concepts beliefs

who would i be if i treated myself with absolute care?

today i called my bank and asked them if they would compensate me for a charge i was given due to a mistake they made.
it knew it was a long shot but tried anyway.

they said yes and instantly credited my account.

who knew?

for those of you who are joining us now
this blog is an effort to practice understand explore
Gratitude

My hopes are/were to jump out of bed
glowing gleeing flying freeing
a commitment
to appreciate
what i have

where am I with it?

well, when i feel grateful
i feel good
and when i feel like shit
i don't feel grateful

has there been a shift?

i don't think so.

I still have much work to do.

I know:
I love the most simple things
the sun
my doggy
touch
water
birds
kindness

and it seems like it would be wise to
reduce my life down to only these
things
if
i
could

and i have read that each and everything that ever happens
even all of the most terrible painful ugly things
are all gifts

it is our thinking
labelling
naming
black and whiteing
yes or noing

that causes it to occur
as BAD

but if we just love
appreciate
and accept
everything
exactly as it is
there is peace

i'm not there yet
but i get it
and want it

SO!!

Thank you
discovery
challenge
laptop
cereal
friends


i have a headache
can i appreciate it
where is the gift in it?

I guess I can just be happy that I have a head to ache

I love you.

facing what you fear most
can unfurl results you may never have imagined
walk into it
and know there are gifts on the other side

or do what i did
run fight cry and rage
until it ended
and then saw the gift

amen

even though i am so f'n exhausted
couldn't sleep last night
and dreamt of snow fields
and watched my thoughts do spirals
while the rain dropped on the skylight

i gave today

and appreciate that.

goodnight.

To A Sad Daughter


All night long the hockey pictures
gaze down at you
sleeping in your tracksuit.
Belligerent goalies are your ideal.
Threats of being traded
cuts and wounds
--all this pleases you.
O my god! you say at breakfast
reading the sports page over the Alpen
as another player breaks his ankle
or assaults the coach.

When I thought of daughters
I wasn't expecting this
but I like this more.
I like all your faults
even your purple moods
when you retreat from everyone
to sit in bed under a quilt.
And when I say 'like'
I mean of course 'love'
but that embarrasses you.
You who feel superior to black and white movies
(coaxed for hours to see Casablanca)
though you were moved
by Creature from the Black Lagoon.

One day I'll come swimming
beside your ship or someone will
and if you hear the siren
listen to it. For if you close your ears
only nothing happens. You will never change.

I don't care if you risk
your life to angry goalies
creatures with webbed feet.
You can enter their caves and castles
their glass laboratories. Just
don't be fooled by anyone but yourself.

This is the first lecture I've given you.
You're 'sweet sixteen' you said.
I'd rather be your closest friend
than your father. I'm not good at advice
you know that, but ride
the ceremonies
until they grow dark.

Sometimes you are so busy
discovering your friends
I ache with loss
--but that is greed.
And sometimes I've gone
into my purple world
and lost you.

One afternoon I stepped
into your room. You were sitting
at the desk where I now write this.
Forsythia outside the window
and sun spilled over you
like a thick yellow miracle
as if another planet
was coaxing you out of the house
--all those possible worlds!--
and you, meanwhile, busy with mathematics.

I cannot look at forsythia now
without loss, or joy for you.
You step delicately
into the wild world
and your real prize will be
the frantic search.
Want everything. If you break
break going out not in.
How you live your life I don't care
but I'll sell my arms for you,
hold your secrets forever.

If I speak of death
which you fear now, greatly,
it is without answers.
except that each
one we know is
in our blood.
Don't recall graves.
Memory is permanent.
Remember the afternoon's
yellow suburban annunciation.
Your goalie
in his frightening mask
dreams perhaps
of gentleness.

Michael Ondaatje

Limp Decisions

today i met a man during my daily walk
he was admiring my dog Bella
and we started to chat
he had three dogs of his own
and started telling me stories about them

he lost one once
it had gone off up the mountain with its brother
and never returned
he expected the male to take him to where she was
searched the mountain side for the next few weeks
but found no sign of her
until later
when he came across a skull and recognized the teeth


my dog Bella has torn a ligament in her back leg
I've been told that it will cost me $4500 to fix it
not including the rehabilitation fees following the surgery

i know of dogs that have had the same surgery only to blow out the repair months later
and it is also possible that her other leg will go too

i have been grappling with whether to go ahead with the surgery,
which would take every dime i have,
or with letting it be

I have been told that Bella will develop arthritis
potentially causing her pain and discomfort
she is 6

When i talked to Yvonne the dog lover today
we spent the bulk of the time sharing dog stories
and i could see that we were from the same tribe
"the totally crazy in love
and connected to the furry four leggers type"

i asked him
if he were faced with the same dilemma
if one of his dogs needed $4000 surgery would he do it
he said no
and told me a story

one day a female hound of his
came home from a days hike.
her head was turned to the side
and she was squinting and sulking

he thought he could see a massive burr stuck into the corner of her eye
but when he looked closer he saw that a stick the size of his baby finger was lodged into her face
he pulled it out and took her to the vet

here he was told that she would need surgery
he said no
he said that he didn't trust anyone to cut up his dog especially so close to her eye
took her home gave her pain medication
applied ointment
and kept her in the dark
until it healed

today, he said, you cant even see a scar

somehow this helped me make my decision

i will let Bella heal herself naturally
and will go from there
maybe she will limp for the rest of her life
or maybe her she will adjust to it and it will get better

Bella is the love of my life
everyday she brings me so much joy
and i can't imagine my life without her

if i get the surgery for her and she heals,
i know my Bella, she will be flying around like she loves to do
and maybe after i dump all of my money into fixing it
it will blow again
and then what?

when do you stop?
and just accept things as they are
and trust that it'll work itself out?

i guess i am willing to take the risk
or that's what is happening today

wind storm

self expression

No teeth

Today I am volunteering at a non-profit
that provides training for young entrepreneurs
and employment opportunites for
folks who are recovering from various addictions
and looking for work

The office space is filthy
the phone covered with dark dirty smudges
the garbage overflowing with styrofoam
cups and trash
and some of the folks that come through the door
look really rough and stink

But what a treat it is to be around this crowd
I am so full of joy!

volunteering is a gift to me
I get to love myself
by helping out

I highly recommend it

Thank you EMBERS for giving and giving.

we love you forever and ever

thank you Terra
thank you Terra
thank you

transluminy

Do you keep track of when things go well?

I don't.

I usually am acutely aware of what didn't work
what doesn't work
what happened that hurt me in the past


I have absolute access to these memories
in an instant

fear and pain can keep these things alive

but what about when things work?
and they do, they just don't stand out as loudly

so i am creating a little book for myself

Let's name it:

-book of things that work
-the good stuff to remember
-reference to what worked
-thank you book of good things that worked

and i will use it to record when things work

like this evening for example
I had a communication breakdown
with my beloved

and it was tough at times
really fucking tough

but we did manage to get to a place
where
we grew
and practiced new ways of communicating

and next time
we can start from a different place
and keep growing together

This is what I would like to record in my new little book.

When things work.

Dear Rita,

There is a wood bug in my studio
It is traveling….
No, I cannot say where
Perhaps behind my sketchbook
Definitely over towards the wall
Where the paintings hang
The Bird paintings
Silly birds
With human eyes and bodies

The heater is blowing
And I have the music on low
So that I won’t wake Jon

Even though I already did on my way in

Anyways, I wanted to say
How very much I appreciate you

For example, tonight you reminded me of something I had forgot
And you often do that for me
For others too I’m sure

I have known you for a few years now
And never expected to become friends

I show up
I leave
Go home be alone

But it sure has been a pleasure being around you
And I do feel better when you are around.

In my studio
Is the sweet sage you gave me for Christmas
I burn it and let the heater blow the smoke
around this small room
Sometimes I will ask for guidance
Or strength
Who am I asking?
Not sure really

And really,
I’m not sure if I sit still long enough
Or quietly enough
To hear the answers
But it sure smells good.
That I do get,
And maybe that’s all I need

Rita this is a letter to you
To say thanks.
Thank you for being so good
I love you

inhalexhale

potatoes
hugging
young entrepreneurs
adorable people that try hard
sausages
tiny baby leaves crawling out of the ends of branches
so precious so tender

cheese bread
burgundy car interiors
green lights
buttery water
little birds chatting away into the air
big huge crazy earrings
watching my dog in a sunbeam

one day i woke up and checked my emails

the message was sprawled out line by line

separated by huge gaps
not gasp
but i did anyways

a suitor was taking a pilgrimage

to my home from his
by foot

an 8 hour journey
in the name of love




we exchanged flowers when he arrived
and ate cheese
awkwardly at the kitchen table


when i opened the door to him
his eyes were glowing

he had spent his day with the water and open sky

thank you
for coming for me

I am still trying to accept this extraordinary gesture

Taxi

I am at my moms place
in quiet Victoria, B.C.

She is in the shower

Last night we watched a movie together
cozied up with blankets
munching low-fat chips

today we will go shopping
and eat lunch together

this is what we do

i love my mom

she picked me up from the ferry
she listens to me
and supports me

she talked to the cat next door
before he died
and told me how he would sleep in the sun under the tree in the back yard

my mother lets me wear her slippers
and pours me the last of the coffee

she is a cuddly
housecoat wearing
angel

i love my mother