second impression

today i met a young man on the pier
he was peering over the railing down at the water.

i suspected that he had spotted a sun flower fish and asked him on it

he said he thought he could see a dogfish hiding under the dock
and tried to point it out to me.

"see his head there, he is hiding in the middle, stand were I am and you can see it"

I moved to the spot and looked down into the water.

i saw reflections dancing on the waters surface and deeper, rocks, sand and sunflower fish.

the boy changed his mind and decided that what he saw was only a rock.



Earlier, I saw a family walking somberly towards the pier. They looked like they might have just left church, the young ones dressed in ill-fitting suits covered up with coats for skiing and rain.

I followed them down the pier.
I wanted to know where they were headed.
I guessed a funeral, when I saw the bunch of white roses the mother was holding.

I found out that the white box they were carrying contained the ashes of their aunt that recently passed and that they were being taken out to spread them on the deep lonely ocean.

it was when i was talking with the young man on the pier that they passed by me post- memorial.

this time they were all smiling.



thank you, audra

skytrain

the dark side of the monkey

the last few days i have been feeling
on the other side of gratitude

it is a very familiar place for me

i want to be a contribution
but i can feel that i am only scratching the surface
in myself

often leaning towards the familiar hum of dissatisfaction


i am focusing almost all of my attention on what seemingly isn't working in my life.
lets explore this:

what appears to be the problem:
i am broke and don't love my business. I am uninspired, unmotivated and unfulfilled.

where is the gift in this?
-i get attention from the people in my life because they feel sorry for me.
-i inspire those around me to appreciate their work because it's not as bad as mine.
-i get to slack off and go for walkies with the dog
-people take care of me

Tapping into Gratitude!

Thank you friends/family/colleagues for listening to my on-going complaints and for taking care of me.

Thank you to the expressed invented misery, if it is a contribution to inspiring anyone in their life.




thank you, Audra

hey, it's ok

today i ran into an old gal i used to serve
at a cafe job I once had

she was a retired UBC professor
who enjoyed her almost daily
chocolate mousse and coffee.

one day
while i was attending her table
she stopped to tell me

that she had taught many people in her life,
for many years

and she could see

that i was one of those few
who were special
that i had that sparkle in my eye

what a gift!

anyways, i saw her today on the street
and we chatted about gratitude
about loving clouds
and loving what we get even if we have to fake it a bit

the best thing about our chat
was that
i was reminded of what she had said to me
in the cafe that day

Thank you Lil!



Thank you, Audra

lady comforter

Thank God For Meryl Streep.

Seriously.


thank you, audra

Lonesome Beaver

This morning I declined a breakfast invite from a precious friend of mine and went to Sweet Cheribum on Commercial Drive instead to fulfill a desire in me for healthy, wholesome food.

I questioned my decision to be alone, but I kept with my gut and went off by myself.

A few bites into my meal my cellphone rang, it was Jonathan my very dear old friend from Toronto.
I was delighted to realize that my gut was dead on, I wasn't going to spend the morning alone, Jonathan would be there.

What a treat.

I read a medicine card last night that said something like:

when you synchronize the different forms of gratitude:

speech/tongue
action
thought


MAGIC happens...

I want magic!





Thank you, Audra

Lake Charmer

Back in 2003 I lived for a couple months in a cabin on Cowichan Lake.
I went there to paint.

Living in the old logging town in the middle of winter was challenging.
isolation bears loggers

Most residents had left the lake behind for the winter and the only sign of human life seemed to be the kind swirls of smoke leaving someones chimney or a chained up dog in a driveway.

The days were long, with hours of time to procrastinate my work.
I started a video diary; talked to my camera and drank beer.

On a particularly bored evening, I decided to perform an airband for myself.

I chose a gorgeous, passionate song from a compilation CD I had taken from my mothers collection. I didn’t know who the artist was, but I could feel her.

I hung up a pink sheet, put on my aunt’s shiny polyester robe and started to dance.

The footage of this epic event is hysterical if not dramatic and heartfelt.


Years later, I have just said goodbye to my now fiancé after one of our first dates only to find him knocking on my door again a few minutes later. Out of breath, he shoves some CD’s into my hand and runs off down the stairs.

I pop the music into the player and am very surprised to hear the song I had performed in a lonely cabin on a lake come swirling out.

Lhasa De Sela passed away from cancer on January 1 this year.

The song El Payande.

Thank you beautiful beautiful Lhasa. Thank you for your gifts.

eye contact

the art of gratitude is to take it off the page

out of the mind

and onto the streets.

The Sacred Interrupting Cow

Gratitude isn’t funny.
This profound thought came to me on my walk yesterday.

I have been making efforts to avoid complaint in my Gratitude Blog practice. The point is to practice gratitude, not complain about how it isn’t funny, lacks density and how writing about it can be tricky. The language in which gratitude comes by is not on the same frequency that I’ve been functioning from for the bulk of my life. The I have suffered therefore I am hilarious frequency.

Expressing gratitude
lacks edge, weight, punch.

Like saying the word fuck
It just works.
It’s hard and sharp

Fuck!

Try this:

I am so fucking grateful for all the blessings in my life!

How about this:

I am thankful for the love in my life.

This isn’t funny.

Or:

I am helplessly overwhelmed by the ridiculous presence of NATURE. I want to eat you, smother you, press you in a book. Thank you tree, river, mountain....thank you.

This is gratitude
But it’s not making anyone laugh.


I guess the joking is done in the other room across the hall.

Door 11 Gratitudes Home
Door 16 Creation of Humor through Suffering

Can I visit both?


Anyhoodles, I am grateful for the gifts, however dark and destructive, given to me from the other side of gratitude.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Now that is funny!

Thank you, Audra

for bed

thank you

he made it to work on time

This morning I sit at the bus stop and am able to absorb the rich layers of tree and mist. I can actually sit still and enjoy the mountain, quietly in a wooden bus shelter.
A man in a small bus pulls up 30 minutes or so later and lets me know my bus will not be arriving.
A storm has knocked down trees
Some stretching across bus routes,
Main arteries into the city

It is a gift

I slowly make my way to the public washroom
really had to pee
I am moved to thank the warmed bathroom for taking me in
Being available
All I had to do was walk inside

The bus driver was smoking and on her cell phone
Describing the chaos of her morning to the person on the other end
Told us to hop on
And would take us to the Seabus, an alternate route into town.
She liked to call people love and hun

The tumble and flow this morning follows a long simple line
To me here now
on the living room floor
with the fire warming my right side and my lover stepping around the house quietly.

Watched Ali Zaoua last night
Again, sad painful realities ignite
appreciation for my good life
Tho the cruelty and suffering seen
Makes me ache and hide

Casablanca, Morocco- Vancouver, Canada
Hold these sad rabbits in feeble embraces.



thank you, audra

the day after the day i didn't post: an happy day

painted into a tree
three pale heron bodies enjoying the morning sunshine


soft green music, layer upon layer
on the hills
and then
the log tide.
gold, oranges, burgundy
cedar, oak, maple, fir, cherry, arbutus
now driftwood, asleep on the beach

a stone shaped like a dogs nose
blender chocolate with nutmeg
ice cubes in a zip lock bag for the lump on my eyebrow
raw salmon on a circular cracker, a sip of white wine

the seagull on the corner of the house boat roof, we made eye contact!
a peaceful, laughter filled weekend; spills, thrills, snoring and many love
band aids
the dishwasher
my dear dear dear friend for leaving a sweet message on my phone

I am grateful for the ridiculous abundance of life

thank you, audra

stranger instances

Thank you Jeff Golf
For welcoming me into your home, without us ever having met, and taking excellent care of me when I was in Montreal last summer.

What a beautiful act of generosity. Thank you.

the hugged

silence
the space between forms, beautiful spaces within the lines, that part in between




i am grateful to have a beloved.
one who has changed his mind about going to see a film
and came home instead
to hold me and tell me how lucky he is to have me in his life

thank you, audra

I see photos of the destruction in Haiti
A man is holding his dead baby girl
He looks straight into the lens of the camera
He is anguish

Gaining access to gratitude
Through other peoples pain and despair
Seems opportunistic
But I am thankful for the earthquake in Haiti
For reminding me
That I am blessed

letters assembled into a sandcastle

my tiny art studio
horses
kissing my dog on the lips
foolishness
sadness
the beans
Hawaii
Kathmandu
lollipops
emptiness
apples
shortbread
thought
Ralph
heartache
filling
leaves
rashes
turtles
candles
heaven
tricksters
Angus
white teeth
non-slip stair stuff
gauchos
glimpses of enlightenment
Byron Katie
grasshoppers
break dancing the worm
sprinklers
jumping over things
feathers
sand
seal nostrils
salsa
money
so you think you can dance uk
marbles
lions
visualizing sunshine
walking backwards downhill
putting things in places where they seem to go
socks and underwear
dental floss
thumbs
red string
lavender
monkeys
adoption
warm light
heat
wind storms
information
lips
earplugs
words
nothing
not knowing and knowing that




thank you, audra

harmony with yellow lines

:

Woke up like a Monday kinda gal

Took the Powell bus to china town with my bike on the front rack
an old dude I’ve seen wandering around horseshoe bay is beside me
I ask him:
How are you doing?

He says:
I don’t know
I can’t remember that

And I feel miserable
Meant to wear my rain coat but opted for the absorbent wool one instead
But that’s not why
It’s the downtown eastside, it’s raining
I am not grateful
I can only see lack

And my business coach can see it
That I don’t appreciate things
Am not into my business
Not working hard enough

I look at her and she says she can see me telling her to fuck off
Cause I’m like:
Hey lady I work my ass off and you don’t know what its like to flog greeting cards,
Cold call on businesses
And try to get them to buy your shit.
And that January is the worst month
To try and sell anyone anything let alone
Just before the fucking Olympics!
Our town is on hold

Is it OK to drink wine in the early afternoon?

So anyways, I leave her office in a shitty mood
I’m being that Monday kinda gal

And I’m leaving the bank after having confirmed
that I have no money and still owe part of my rent
and would like to contribute
but can’t seem to find a way

But I can, of course I can
I just don’t

And I’m biking up Burrard pretending to know that the chatter in my head
Isn’t me
It’s only my mind
And it’s not real and all is beautiful really
It just looks wet poor and ugly

A woman opens her car door,
in an instant I am on the ground
My hat flown off
my bike on my body
And I think
Hey I wonder if a car is going to run over my head?
But no car comes.
I get up
And walk to the sidewalk

A man brings me my bike
And I hold onto it
Piece of shit that no one will steal
he asks me if I want to go to the hospital
But I’m not really hurt
Just a scratched knee
The driver comes and asks to take me to the hospital
I snap at her
I’m not hurt!
I just scratched my knee!
And walk away with my bike and stupid hat and cry

Thank you wonderful free business coach that puts up with my insanity
Thank you beautiful old man with a hole in his knee that says it’s better than nothing
Thank you unschmooshed head
And for the man who checked up on me
And the bird that is crying
One brave bird singing on this rainy rainy afternoon
Thank you woman who knocked me off my bike
The timing was perfect
No cars
Just me, the pavement and the man who came to help.



thank you, audra

humility/ blue heron/returned smiles

How does one move deeply into gratitude?

Apparently it is our true nature

Love joy peace
And this includes gratitude

For me, I like to slow down and slow down and stop
And watch the endless stream of shit flowing in my head
Brrrung brrrrrrung lalalalallala
And smile at it
Hello bullshit
Hello pain and struggle

And somehow try to thank it
Thank you for torturing me!

Thank you for those moments when I do not believe it.
Those rare moments.

And then in the stillness

Fuck shit fuck

Gratitude does not come easily to me
Gratitude comes easily to me


Thank you, Audra

like sandpaper that went for a walk

Gerald rainbows and gauche


Patti smith sings a song
To her dead husband
honoring him
loving him

I am grateful for those who
help me heal My old stupid wounds
And walk through
with me
and let me hold onto them at night

I am growing
Not like a beard
But like a heart


Joanne Howey and her gravel mouthed unconditional love
Dead leaves
Gerald Formosa
Cheese that smells like an armpit
Sleeping at the back of the bus
Public washrooms
Signs that show me where to go
Old old friends that keep coming back
My one last alive plant
Jon jon jon how I love jon


Joni Mitchell:
Don’t it always seem to go,
That you don’t know what you got til it’s gone

my dear friend maryam
Who led me to many good books
And shared her good food and love with me
Onion herbs rices radish chocolate tea
For being a wonderful teacher
And becoming my friend
And sharing her children with me and
For gifting me with a salad spinner




thank you, audra

forgiveness



i forgive myself too.


















thank you, audra

Blessings with Melted Cheese and Sour Onions

today i stop and quietly thank everything that comes my way.

i pick up my dogs shit
thank you


everything is done for us not to us



today i am making focaccia bread
and i use the kneading process to practice presence
thank you hands
look they knead the dough

thank you olive oil
thank you bread


the ache in my arm
thank you arms
mother
father
stupid high schools
thank you



i bathe my dog in the cramped bathtub
thank you dog
thank you water
thank you more time with my beautiful pet
who may not be here tomorrow
and either may i
thank you me

love to inadequacy!



Thank you, Audra

strips of carrot that would otherwise go unnoticed

gratitude
for being nude
whale song
being
and long
quiet walks
loud rivers and rocks
futons lumps and holding
folding t-shirts quietly
into perfect piles
the dials on the stove
that have worn out their names
and games
made up stories
old dogs
blow jobs
white garlic floating in oil
missing someone
humming birds
and
holding a childs hand




Thank You, Audra

kiss your finger tips

Today I am grateful to have a home.



And I want to love everything.

Slipping on a sheet of ice
Red cars
Millionaires
Flavorless apples
Cat costumes
Boxes of wire
Lamps
Gravel

*see youtube for Nina Simone "I Ain't Got No..."




Thank you, Audra

Nirvana

Watched “About a Son” last night, a pretty film in which Kurt Cobain narrates.

In the film, Kurt Cobain talks about his life’s challenges and it reminded me that the only reason why I started this “Gratitude Project” was to try to make my life better. To try to replace the cynicism, fear and anxiety I experienced daily with an experience of gratitude. I am deliberately and selfishly trying to use this “Gratitude Project” to make myself happier.

I want to jump out of bed in BLISS each day.

And I want to get paid to travel the world and be silly and eat monkey eyeballs etc.

Travel Hosting!

It just occurred to me that I am having great difficulty being grateful.

But in this thought alone, I can feel the warmth rise up in me from a deep and unused place:

I am grateful that I have a place to come and explore the How the Fuck? of Gratitude.

Thank you, Audra

Jazz and Blow Jobs

my sweetheart has a ridiculously massive music collection.

because i have no idea what the bulk of them are, i like to walk up to the wall of Cd's and randomly pull out a disc.

today i pulled Don Cherry, the African-American Jazz musician from Oklahoma.

inside the cover, a black and white photo and caption:

I want to personally
thank God for giving us
all blessings in this life
we bless we bless we bless we bless we bless

i am thankful for wood
for without wood i would not be able to chop logs
or sit in front of the fire writing lists

i am thankful for my list practice
which came from seeing the movie "The Secret"
and for it's help in sculpting my dream mate

which led to reconnecting with my old friend Michelle, who in front of that very fireplace
convinced me to put a profile on the plentyoffish dating site
(and regardless of the many times i entered into the site calling it plenty of losers)
led me to my dreamy mate


thank you:
*Michelle, dating sites, axes, my Dad for teaching me how to build a fire, watermelons, beer and small, sweet over baked yams


thank you, Audra

A Year Of Radical Gratitude: Day 1

Several years ago I was watching an episode of Oprah in which she was encouraging people to write down a list of 8 things that you are grateful for each day before you go to bed.

I had honestly never, ever thought of doing such a thing. I wasn't grateful for anything. I just wasn't.


Many years later, I struggle to achieve an "Attitude of Gratitude", but I want to live in a swelling love cloud of thanks and that is how I came to the theme of this blog.

For the next year I will be Gratituding all over the place and will come here daily to talk about my experiences with it.

How can a gratitude blog make a difference?

I do not know. But I am grateful for the challenge.

Thank you, Audra

1. my legs
2. my delicious dog
3. my beloved
4. my dear friends
5. honey
6. the ocean
7. cowichan slippers
8. my mother